Free Write

At times like this we wonder why we have existed and why things have to happen this way or another, but the cool thing is we really have no need to worry, everything that is to come will be done and we will eventually have no more suffering and no longer be sad, but loved when the timing is right, exact, and forever!

Its funny how things happen
At your lowest point
Someone walks in
And changes your path
Not knowing then
But now looking back
You can see the timing
Exact, precise, needed
At that exact moment
The precise person
Who was needed
Walked in
How strange and unusually
Against all odds
Not knowing then
But they will continue with you
On this journey we call life
Beside you at every turn
A whispering voice
And a stern hold
They will forever change us
Not knowing then
But knowing now
All things have a purpose
A time
A reason
To fulfill a design
That was created before time
Before your life began
And before you realized someone care that much

Enough to know your name
To be called His own
To be loved
To be care for
And to be wanted
Our greatest desire is to be loved
And He does that
With no boundaries,
With no judgement
Pure, true, and everlasting
Nothing we do changes His love for us.

Nursing

If someone would have told me when I was a yee little one that I would be a nurse when I was an adult, I surely would have laughed! My dream every since I was young was to a missionary to AIDS children in Africa. And that was the only option. Nothing else mattered. I considered seminary school or getting some sort of degree, but never thought nursing. However, like always God had something else planned.

So I found myself sitting in the adviser's office the end of sophomore year in high school debating whether to take 3D art or video communications internship. Both which I loved and would gladly take. Good ole' high school screwed up my schedule and I was given CNA (certified nursing assistant) class. Yeah what is that is what I was thinking. Oh and don't forget it begins two weeks early than all my other courses, is at a different high school, and is super early in the morning :( But I obeyed and began classes at our rival school. So every morning I would get into my run down mini van that had 15 inch subs in the back and a spray paint paint job. Of course the convenience of playing sports I had to wear my jersey on game days. Yeah, not so much fun when you attend your rival school wearing a jersey they hate. So you can image I was welcomed with open arms, NOT! I continued in this course with no problems and while junior year was ending I was going to test for my CNA. Right before classes ended my teacher pulled me into her office. I thought, what did I do this time! She told me that she had put my name into another nursing program at EVIT (a technical school for high school drop outs). I had no idea what she was talking about or what a LPN (License Practical Nurse) was. But i received the information and reviewed it. I received my CNA that summer and worked one 12 hour shift. I disliked it greatly and decided to see what the LPN program had to offer.

Again this program began before all my other classes. A freakin' month early! So going into senior year I attended a meeting about the program and left telling my mom I didn't to spend time actually trying senior year and I had no interest in the program. Yet again God stepped in! I was one of 19 students selected for this program and it was put on my schedule. It was too late in the summer to change to electives so I began class a month early. Not knowing what I got myself into we were studying medication conversions for 6 hours a day 4 days a week. Talk about a summer :( We took our exam and only 17 students continued. I was given a week off and then senior year began. Time flew between LPN college courses, senior classes, basketball, leading younglife, leading youth group, working, and living life. I had to quit basketball because my knee couldn't handle it, plus the commute from clinicals in scrubs and changing into my jersey to arrive just as a game began wasn't working.

Senior year was coming to an end and the LPN course ended a month early so what would a typical senior high school do. Stay with just two high school classes and coast through the rest of the year. Of course NOT. I went immediately into my pre-reqs for college. Three graduations later I was enrolled in a full load for summer. Don't be fooled. I didn't slow down there. My first official college term I took 18 credits in the classroom and another 9 online. Yeah I was 17. Somehow I found time to text for state boards to get my LPN. I passed. I began working as a nurse and EKG tech. Figured out two jobs, leading younglife, 26 college credits, and having a social life wasn't working. So I quit the EKG position. Completing a few more terms I was placed back into the RN (Registered Nurse) program. Graduating May 2009 with my Associated in Applied Science RN. Of course a break is not necessary. So I went directly into the RN to BSN program (Bachelors of Nursing Science). Of course it has to be the accelerated program. Coming to a close I have a few short months left and I will soon have my BSN-RN.

Thinking back now I went from an art kid to a nurse and now I am going to work at a camp. There almost seems to be logic behind that...NOT! But here is the real deal. It is not in my hands. My life is not my own. I refuse to take credit for these series of events and the results that have occurred. Do not think that I am not appreciative of them. I am. God knows I am (literally). But it was not my design. Not my plan. However God knows me well (duh, He created you!). I love nursing and would not change my profession for anything!!! But I still have no idea what the future actually holds for me or where I will be in a year, 5 years, or 10!

I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back tot he place from which I sent you into exile. Jeremiah 29: 11-14

Different

So the other day I was shopping and was constantly stared at. So of course I began to try and figure out why I was so fascinating to look at to these strangers. Usually I understand when I have on a tank top and shorts because of all my tattoos. Not the case. I had on a T-shirt and jeans. Then onto make-up. Again no luck, 'cause I wasn't wearing any. Then onto how I was acting. Nope, I wasn't hyper active or bouncing off the walls like normal. I was tired and buying food. Then I realized that I was in Scottsdale where everyone had money and I looked a little outta place. The other day boredom got the best of me and I breaded my entire head. Bahama style. So I will admit I looked like a white chick who grew up in the hood and I was located in a preppie rich Scottsdale where most look like models. So I figured they were staring at me because I looked outta place, and yet they don't even know me. Not that I do fit in anyways, but... So this made me think even more. Why do people stare? When someone gets hurt people laugh and stare. A car accident. Someone dressed weird. Someone who doesn't fit in. But why? What causes people to stare? Why is different so intriguing? Why does different draw people's attention?

Is it because they want it? Do they want what you have, but don't know how to get there? The best is when people are behind you and you hear them talking about you. The perfect example of this happened the other day. I was at a different store and this time I was in a tank top. I was looking at the shelf for an item, I grabbed my item and began to turn. When a lady behind me asked me to stand still so she could finish reading my tattoo. I stood there. Then went to stand in the check out line. The couple behind me were again talking about my tattoos and how they looked. I just stood in line thinking... why? Why do people judge? Why do they insist on talking about you when they don't think you are paying attention? Do people really think I am not listening? REALLY???

All this led me to ponder and try to come up with a theory. Here is what I have come up with thus far and if you have any attentional thoughts, let me know.

Different is attractive and since it doesn't fit the "norm" it is intriguing. People want it. Why? Because they don't understand it. They desire change, but don't know how to obtain it. Accidents are intriguing, not only because it is a reminder of how unpredictable life is, but it allows our minds to image what happened? Why it happened? Whose fault was it? Did they get injured? Did they die? Do I know them? All this is stimulating and allows us to for a brief moment leave ourselves and think about something else.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

I DARE you to be different! Stand out!

When we just don't know

Like always I had my music on in the background and a lyric grabbed my attention. So I search. Listen. Rewind. Dwell. And think within those words what the true mean could be. Today's song is called My Brother Jack by Paul Colman.

"We got into the car with the true believers
We could tell they were by the words they spoke
They were talking of Jesus and all He was doing
They were sharing their favs from the Holy Book
And I was with them every step of the way
'Cause I'm a believer saved by grace
And they didn't know it, in the back seat was my brother Jack

We travelled on the 2 hour journey
Singing along to gospel radio
The my brother Jack quite unexpected said
"Do you mind if I listen to my favourite band?"
And maybe it was when the singer let out a word
Four syllables long and not ever heard
In their church circles
That the believers attacked

How could you play music that evil?
How could you speak of someone's mother like that?
Whatever is pure, whatever is holy
We think on these things so here's your record back!
And maybe it was just 'cause we arrived at the place
My fellow believers didn't see his face
But red was the anger all over my brother Jack

Well I pulled them aside just before our performance
And told them the story of my brother Jack
He's not a believer but one who is searching
And I told him that Jesus loves him where he's at
And when I was speaking
Well suddenly I wondered
If we really knew why
Millions of people felt like my brother Jack
They've come to our churches and they're not coming back
Please God save our souls
And my sweet brother Jack

This is an interesting concept to consider. Is this more of a reality than we would like to admit? Could this be applied to other aspects of our lives rather than just our faith. Everyone grows up differently. Have a variety of beliefs. And choose to live their life as they see fit. What if we consider others above ourselves? How much more welcomed would others feel? How would this improve our world? Could it be a global change? Why don't we try? But then we would have to put forth energy. Exist our safe haven. Life life. Scary I know. But here is the truth to all of this.

The human body is pieced together inside the womb. We grow. Are born. Experience childhood. Graduate. Become an adult. Do whatever the adult thing you wanna do. Become old. Die. End of story for the physical body. So if we consider the truth in how temporary this life is and the limited time we have been given. Why don't we do something with that time? Like I dunno, change the world maybe! Why not. It's been done before. A lot of negative influences. Hilter, any war, main stream media, Charles Mason... But some good. Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther... Someone to go down in history for doing something. Changing the way things are. Standing up for what they believed in whether or not it was good in your eyes or not, they are well known for what they did. What is something you in your life that you would be willing to be known for? Recorded in history, for the future generation to read. What would they say about you? Will they even know you existed? Does it matter if they do or not? What if you don't care if anyone knows you? Then I ask you, what is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of living on earth if we aren't suppose to do anything will the talents we are given besides go through the stages of life then die. Honestly that just seems depressing. Conception, birth, growing, adult, elder, death. Um... NO THANK YOU! I would rather do something with my life. Change. Move. Learn. Love. Share. Explore. Improve. Fail. Travel. Grow... What do you want your life to be about? What are you going to do to make that happen? Our biggest dreams are suppose to come true... right? What are you going to do to make sure it happens? How are you going to change the world?

Back to the lyrics.
"My fellow believers didn't see his face
But red was the anger all over my brother Jack"

I wonder what would have happened if the friends had seen Jack's face? Would they have rethought their reactions? Maybe CHANGED to prevent it from happening again? What if they didn't judge him? What if they welcomed him? Put Jack FIRST! Would Jack's life then been impacted? Could the ripple effect come into play? Would Jack then change someone else's life? What if they had at least tried? We will never know because they simply would not get over themselves and consider others' feelings before themselves. SELFISH. INCONSIDERATE. RUDE! They can change this. But they have to decide themselves to make that change. You can change. You can help others. Put them first. Love them. CHANGE! Impact the world. Impact others. I pray that your impact and my own is a positive one. That when people remember how we lived our lives they would be proud, happy, joyful, and see the positive change we caused on those around us.

Make it your own...

A picture is worth a thousand words. What if I only want to use one word? Who can say anything different? I guess they could, but does it matter?. If you consider opinion verses perception in alignment with "the beauty is in the eye of the beholder." It is difficult to say if a picture is anything. I refuse to argue with opinion because the debate will never end since it is all relative. So instead of using word to demonstrate what I have seen in my life I will just show some examples. No words. Just images. You decide. Share if you'd like. Or just look. All I really hope from this post is that you smile at one point or another and realize that photography captures a moment in time that can never be returned to the exact second. Once it passes it is gone forever.

Thank you Ipod shuffle!

So like always I have my music on and I was listening to the awkward/amazing transitions that occur on my ipod when shuffle is in use.

At one point the bass is bumping to Eminem talking about
"See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers"

Then Hosana by Paul Baloche comes on talking about
"In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new
'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day"

Then onto The Script, Breakeven:
"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathin,
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in"

Then to Brand New, Jesus Christ:
"Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling
Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?"

Before I even start commenting. I realize my music choice is not always "christian" and those who know me already know how much music and lyrics are a part of my life, therefore this post comes as no surprise to you.

Like always there is a specific reason why I chose to select the section of lyrics I did to include and if you are interested the rest you can look them up. As stated above I listen to music almost every waking hour of the day and enjoy a variety as seen in the songs listed. Pretty much the only thing I don't listen to is country. Yeah I am not a fan, but if you then you can listen to it all you want, but it's not for me. Something that struck me was the influence these select bands have on our culture, society, and daily lives. Eminem has very strong/controversial lyrics with good beats. He confronts the reality of our society following what they see on TV or in the media and try to replicate it. Not only to be like "them" but they will also mimic the actions of these "stars." This thought is scary. Think about the influences that we come in contact on a daily basis. How much of those are changing who we are? Change our style of clothing? Wanting something new? Wanting to lose pounds to look like "that," whatever "that" may be. Then we have Paul who states that our lives that we "think" are broken can be made new, and we can face each day with God. This directly contradicts what the "world/society" are telling us. I think The Script hits the nail on the head,

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing, just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in."

Our society is so tied up in the image and what they are suppose to be that the focus on what life is has been completely lost. The United States is commonly labeled as a "Christian Nation." However this statement is simply that a statement. There are no actions to follow this. A label means nothing without actions. But when trouble comes, then God is called on, but people don't really know what they are doing. They have just ran out of options and they remember someone once telling them to pray. So they do. It seems like at our deepest moments is when we are desperate enough to find something outsides of ourselves to put our interests in. Why does it take us to this point to recognize God and seek him?

Brand New is a band I listen to a lot. In this particular song they are asking about what will happen when we die? My favorite line is, "And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?" Thomas was one of the twelve disciples that followed Jesus around during his years of ministry. When Jesus died on the cross his body was laid in a tomb. A couple of the disciples said they saw Jesus after three days and told the other disciples what had happened. Thomas was among them and did not believe them. He wanted proof. He wanted to stick his hands in the nail holes before he believed that Jesus was alive again. The reason I like this lyrics so much is because I think about doubt. Is Thomas going to be standing at the gates asking to see the proof that I have done what I said I have done and question how I lived my life?

What if our society's image of "cool" or "who we want to be" was Jesus?

Light in the darkness

It is strange the things we realize while driving by ourselves. So like usual I was on an adventure and had no destination besides avoiding anyone. I headed out of town and took old route 66. I know strange to think this small road use to be the main highway. So weird! I just happened to have my mountain bike on top of my car and conveniently camping gear in my trunk. So I set out to find a sweet trail and somewhere to camp. As the drive began there were a lot of developed roads closed off because of the recent winter season and the one that were open were not developed and had no markings. I know creepy right! So I picked a random turn off and took my non-off-roading Camry on the non-existent road. Lets just say the vehicle isn't exactly what you would call capable of this type of "road." However, I was determined to find a sweet camping spot completely by myself. My curiousity swept over me and I decided to drive until the "road" ended. Along the way I discovered a small water hole which was completely random and beautiful. So like any other person naturally I stopped to take pictures! "Damn tourists!" I returned to my car and continued. I don't know if what I found would be considered such an ending, but there was barbed wire so I decided not to cross. Well at least not in my vehicle considering this barbed wire was on the "road." I continued walking until I reached the "summit" and tried to figure out where I was. Yeah, useless! I returned to my car then turned around. I eventually made it back to old route 66 and continued down the road towards somewhere. Again another "trail" sparked my interest and I decided to adventure down it. Trailhead 088. Whatever that means! And once again my vehicle was not up to standards to fight against the inclines and muddy terrain. But I drove it anyways! I did hit a particular area where I was sliding so much on the snow up an incline that I decided to turn around. On my way back the sun was setting and I set up camp. No one in sight and likely no one would ever come down this road. I started a fire and put together my tent. Darkness swept over the land and nothing but the fire could be seen. Naturally I had hot dogs in the cooler in my trunk along with my camping seat. I set it up and ate a few hot dogs. With the sun vanished and the moon rising the temperature began to drop. And drop fast! I did not have the proper gear to stay warm so I packed up and headed back into town. I called up a friend and crashed on their floor. I woke up and ended up with a parking ticket and a sense of an unfinished adventure. I decided to drive to Sedona and hit up some mountain bike trails. Again middle of nowhere on my bike enjoying the beauty surrounding me. I finished the trail and headed back into town. In the wee hours of the morning I decided to drive home of course after a 2am Ihop breakfast with friends. No we were not drunk! On my drive home I was hoping for the clouds to clear so I could gaze at the stars. Unfortunately the entire drive the stars were covered up by clouds, however the moon was shinning brightly. This brings me to the point of this entire entry. Being the light in the darkness. During this time of day no one is on the roads besides the occasional trucker and of course me. There are no lights besides the headlights of fellow drivers and the moon. This next part I know is no safe and should never ever ever be done, however I just had to. On the drive I briefly turned off all lights in my car including my headlights. And for that moment the only light visible was the moon. The craziest thing was I could see perfectly by only using the light from the moon. There was no escaping it. No where to hide. Absolutely unavailable! I guess there were things I could have done, like gone into a cave, shut my eyes, or gone into some sort of structure. But I didn't. I was driving. The darkness couldn't hide from the light of the moon. This reminds me of a story most of us are remotely familiar with. These are found in these verses:

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

The light projected from the moon could not be hidden from. Everything was bring touched by it. You could see perfectly if you weren't distracted from light from another source. I believe this is often difficult to apply in our daily lives because of distractions. We can see the moon and the effects of it, but we are distracted by the person to our right with their flashlight on. They are distracting us, trying to steal the glory of the moon, trying but failing to gain any significant glory. We only want to yell at them to turn off their flashlight and enjoy the beauty of the moon and stop shining their false light in your eyes. Next we have Mark....

"And he said to them, "Is a lamp brought in to be put under a basket, or under a bed, and not on a stand? For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." And he said to them, "Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."" Mark 4: 21-23

Such simple truth and yet we can't seem to follow any direction. The truth is the moon shinning is completely out of our control. We cannot tell it to move this way or that. It will simply shine regardless of what we do. Putting it under a basket or bed is impossible! Nothing is hidden, even the darkness is exposed. It is even worth attempting to hide then? And last we have Luke, a physician;

"No one after lighting a lamp puts it in a cellar or under a basket, but on a stand, so that those who enter may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light." Luke 11:33-36

I personal like to read Luke, basically because he was into medicine and so am I. His writing speaks truth to me and I completely understand what he is talking about. Seeing the light from the moon and being able to see how much it shines in pure darkness it beyond words. The light literally cannot be contained and exposes everything in the dark. I love how Luke uses the analogy of your eye being health then the entire body is filled with light. This is such an amazing image. To think that your body is fueled by visible influences and that determines how you are doing as a whole. I want to be at the point where I see the light shinning from the moon and allow that to uncover any darkness that tries to threaten me.

Never-the-less, the drive home was amazing even if it was at 0300 and I was completely by myself. Because in reality I was not alone, God's light was shinning through the moon and lighting my path even when I decided to not be intelligent and turn off my headlights while driving. When you feel like you are surrounded completely with darkness, find out what flashlight is distracting you from the ultimate light.